LOVE & MARRIAGE

Conflict Busting
(Tips for Building Bridges Rather Than Walls)
Every Married Couple has disagreements, how do we get past them when we do? Here are some tips, ideas and helps, see if it helps. Some think that you should only have a top 10, or 7 or better yet best 3, but sometimes we need more, here are 27 helpful hints for a happier marriage.

1. Get Started.
Someone said that getting started is half the job. This holds true more in solving conflict that any other endeavor. Let’s admit that it is hard to get started, but once the ice toward reconciliation is broken, it is downhill all the way from there. Sometimes just one gesture does the trick. Go ahead and swallow your pride, reach out and touch, extend a hand, give a hug, just make the first move and see what follows! Usually the loved one is just as anxious as you to put things to rest, but no one is willing to make the first move.
Don’t allow conflict to become a power struggle because power struggles don’t move relationships any where but downhill. Walls will begin to fall when we are willing to make the first move on the road to reconciliation.
2. Fantasize — Don’t Criticize.
Envision good things between you and your partner. Remember the good experiences of the past and understand that it can be that way again and soon. Try not to throw darts because darts only hurt and escalate our partner’s defenses. Being logical and reminding yourself and your partner what is happening lowers the tension level. Remember some wonderful experience you have had together and make that experience the subject of conversation. Even fantasize about some future happy experience together.
3. Reach Out and Touch.
Reach out and touch, so the phone company says. Great advice, especially when two people are experiencing conflict. Go ahead and do it literally! It’s really difficult to speak harshly to someone when we are touching them or they are touching us. Touching has a calming effect. Touching expresses love and care. Touching diminishes tension. Touching lowers the defense bar. Touching does work wonders when it comes to communicating feelings of love and desire for healing.
4. Lower Your Voice and Speak Slowly.
Typically, the raised voice and rapid speech are telltale signs that we are out of control — that super-heated emotion is taking over. In those frames of mind, we usually come across as angry, hostile, controlling, but not in charge even of ourselves and our own emotions. A cool, calm low voice sends the message that we are not only in control, but that we have something of significance to offer the stressful situation.
5. Open the Door.
You may open the door by saying what you wish to say in a positive and non-threatening way. Usually people hear us when we speak in this manner. We need to remember that put-downs, abuse, and badgering will close the heart of the one we are trying to reach more than anything else.
6. Be empathetic.
Try to understand your partner by putting yourself in their shoes. Make a serious attempt to see things from the other’s position rather than simply scoring points for yourself. Try to get inside your partner’s mind and heart and experience the issue from their perspective. Feel what they must be feeling.
7. Talk.
Yes, just allow yourself the privilege of talking. Sounds simple enough, but when there is conflict, talk, the one thing that can settle differences, is the last thing couples want to do. The temptation for one or both partners is to “clam up,” or “go inside the shell.” While it may feel good to go inside the shell and not have to talk, nothing is being resolved and, in fact, the silence is escalating the tension. Remember to use “I Statements” and not “You Statements.”
8. Take Turns.
When there are differences, they usually exist from both vantage points. No one is 100% right or 100% wrong. No one should have complete command of the conversation. This only deepens the wound and escalates the conflict. Give each other two minute episodes to say what is on the mind and in the heart. Use a stopwatch if necessary. Even the humor of this will break the ice.
9. Recognize the Problem.
Don’t try to ignore or minimize the problem. Recognize it. Get it on the floor of conversation. Both try to identify and analyze it. Both think of solutions. Try to be specific. Even write out what the problem is and what each thinks is the solution.
10. Change Locations.
Sometimes conflicts occur in certain settings and once the setting is changed, a new feeling may emerge. Couples may be captives while riding in a car or in a room or in a crowd. Getting away from that location may change the mood of one or both and break down resistance to an open flow of dialogue and mutual exchange of feelings. It is even wise to say, “Why don’t we go have a cup of coffee?” Making an appointment to talk allows both people to come to the talking table with a new calmness and expectation. New and intentional environments mean new feelings and new expectations.
11. Listen to the Heart.
Conflicts develop when feelings have been hurt or egos stepped on. Behind the spoken words are damaged hearts that stand in need of repair. Make a concerted effort not to listen to the words, but to get behind the words to the feelings that are being expressed. Just listening is in itself salve on the wound. Once your loved one has had the time to speak and be heard at the heart, their heart is already well on the way toward mending.
12. Push the Right Buttons.
Couples who have known each other for any amount of time know which buttons to push to make things better or to make them worse. There are sore and sensitive spots which grate on the nerves, spots that draw immediate reflexes and reactions, spots which raise the hackles. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know where these buttons are once we have known a person for a period of time. But pushing the hot buttons will not only raise the emotional temperature, it will further polarize the relationship. Just as everyone has hot buttons, they also have soft buttons, buttons that when touched have a calming and soothing effect on the one who is touched. Couples also know the soft buttons. Soft buttons are conflict busters for sure!
13. Say You Care.
Conflict arises when needs are not being met or when wants and desires are at cross-purposes. The underlying message is that the offending party “really doesn’t care.” One is not concerned about how the other feels. It’s “My way or the highway.” “He/she never considers what I would like to do.” “He and I never seem to be on the same page. He always gets his way!” The conclusion drawn from such statements is that the other doesn’t care. Conflict is moderated when there is affirmation that one is truly loved and cared for.
14. Never Draw a Line of Demarcation.
Drawing a line in the sand is the best way on earth to challenge another. Such lines set limits and draw boundaries, and once drawn, such perimeters are difficult to fracture. Demarcation lines are almost certain to be seen as challenges, and accepting challenges only escalates open verbal warfare. A spirit of openness and desire for communication will erase threats and destroy needs for perimeters.
15. Communicate Commitment.
Conflict may arise when one member of the partnership feels their position is threatened. The most basic of human needs is the need to be loved and the security that goes with the feeling that one is loved. When that security is threatened, gyrations of fear and uncertainty permeate the emotional system. Defenses come into play. The most basic need stands at risk. Conflict emerges. Even when differences are being expressed, and they can be without doing damage the relationship, care should be given to communicate commitment. Such language offers space to explore differences without fear of rejection or alienation.
16. Be Flexible.
Rigidity or inflexibility are the bugle boys for conflict. When a person is unwilling to bend, he/she is sending the message that it is more important to be right than to mend the brokenness felt in the relationship. Flexibility sends the right message that the one loved is far more important than any rigid position one might hold within oneself. Flexible people are viewed as problem solvers who think and act with sober judgment.
17. Look for Doors of Opportunity.
The resolution of conflict usually comes with baby steps rather than giant steps. Partners should look for the baby steps, the little nuances which are telltale that the guard is coming down and there is openness to reconciliation. A change of body language, a faint smile, an ever-so-slight alteration of demeanor, a pause in the exchange, subtle suggestions, are all signals that the doors of resolution and reconciliation are opening. Recognizing these baby steps seizes the moment and ultimately leads to the giant steps of resolution and renewal.
18. Know When to Say When.
If things are not going well, simply call a truce. Put it on a back burner for a while. Even under the best of circumstances and with the best of intentions, things may go south for a spell. Feelings are still raw and nerves frayed. If things are deteriorating and tempers flaring, it may be a good idea to admit that this is not the best time to try to resolve this. Just postpone it until later, but be sure there is a definite time set so that both parties know the conflict has been taken seriously and will be addressed when emotions are more settled.
19. Write Down the Concern.
If it’s important enough to cause conflict, it’s important enough to write down. Putting it on paper enables each partner to view the concern more clearly, but also elevates the importance of resolving the issue. Like diagramming a sentence or working a puzzle, getting it out where it can be seen enables each party to get a better view of the whole picture. Putting it on paper also sends up a red flag that this is definitely one of the hot buttons not to push. Once resolved, seldom do couples revisit such sites.
20. Say You Are Sorry.
Remember that famous quote from Love Story when the two young lovers had their first quarrel and an overture is made toward reconciliation. The never-to be-forgotten response is “Love means never having to say you are sorry.” While it sounds good in novels and movies, love means being able to say you are sorry and that you do, in fact, want to say it when there has been a breach in the relationship. If there is a balm in Gilead for healing the wounded soul, it is the desire to heal what’s broken through a reconciling heart. Dare to repair!!
21. Don’t Rewash Dirty Laundry.
Continuing to focus on issues of the past is usually counterproductive toward resolving conflict. It is important to hear concerns and seek to understand areas that are sensitive, but once they have been addressed, it is best to move on. Dirty laundry is just that: Dirty Laundry, and bringing past issues to the surface will add fuel to the fire and complicate the healing process. Lingering resentment is a sinister force in the arena of putting differences to rest. Couples sometimes need to agree that certain past subjects are simply off limits.
22. Forgiving Means Forgetting.
When someone has expressed remorse over an issue that caused a conflict, if conflict over the hurt is to be resolved, the injured party must have a forgiving spirit. What is past is past and cannot be redone. An overture for healing the conflict has been extended. Digging at “scabs” will only infect the wound. Once the concern is addressed and the concern is forgiven, it is best to bury it never to be exhumed again.
23. Be Optimistic!
A firm belief that conflict can be resolved is the launching pad for ultimate restoration. Believing the best about the love of one’s life and believing not only that one is loved by that person, but that the loved one also wants resolution will bring results. Pessimism toward resolving differences will only tailspin the healing process. No fissure in relationships is ever mended by believing it can’t be resolved. Believing the best brings best results.
24. Don’t Play the Blame Game.
Casting blame will only corner the one with whom one has the conflict. Humans are akin to other species: when cornered, most people tend to strike back. Rather than blaming the other, assuming some responsibility for the breach in the relationship will lower defenses and usually put the conflict on the road to resolution.
25. Express Gratitude.
The expression of appreciation for the one that is loved can be like magic in the healing process. Gratitude is positive. Gratitude focuses on the good qualities of the one who is loved. Gratitude is remembering the pleasant and not rehashing the offensive. Gratitude enhances rather than diminishes. While gratitude may be difficult when relationships are under stress, the presence of mind to include gratitude in the course of exchange will work wonders.
26. Be Willing to Give in.
Resistance to reconciliation will only prolong the conflict. If neither partner is willing to give in, there is no opportunity to pour oil on the troubled waters and the stand-off continues, sometimes with even deeper entrenchment. Reconciliation is not about winning and losing. It is about healing and mending what is broken. It is about reaching out to the one that is loved. It involves making oneself vulnerable. A willingness to give in will break the alienation barrier and set the relationship on the course of understanding.
27. Turn Your Scars into Stars.
The very source of hurt and conflict may prove to be the very place a relationship finds renewal and the capacity to grow again. By processing the conflict, understanding the hurt, reaching for reconciliation, and finding forgiveness and restitution, the downer may prove to be the upper, and an ailing relationship may be restored to health and wholeness where love, trust, and respect are freely given and freely received.
(Preparing Couples for Marriage written by Les. C. Wicker)