If you were to ask men and women what it means to be romantic you would get a number of different answers. I am sure that you would get more blank looks from the men than the women.
If you asked the married couples here what the most romantic thing that they have ever done (honeymoon doesn’t count), the wife can tell you, the husband will think about the monster truck rally, or the tool exhibit, or whatever.
So often marriage partners start out sizzling with passion and then dissipate into mere roommates. A loss of romance doesn’t need to occur, yet in so many marriages, it does. The heat of passion and all displays of tender giving seem to vanish, and we accept it as normal, saying, “That’s just the way it is.”
Does marriage have to degenerate into such a sad state of affairs? No! God has a much different desire for marriage. In His plan, the romance continues throughout marriage. In fact, it builds and grows into a loving and passionate marriage that is even more wonderful in its latter stages than in its beginning.
You know there are several things that can kill romance in a marriage.
Sin
Romance dies when one or both persons become so wounded and disillusioned with a spouse that they become calloused. Sin and harsh actions are unrepented of until the wounds of sin have removed all feeling.
Proverbs 18:19
“It's harder to make amends with an offended friend than to capture a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with iron bars.” (NLT)
Age
Romance dies when a person focuses on the outer beauty rather than on the inner beauty of his or her spouse. Outer beauty degenerates over time; age takes its toll on every person. It doesn’t matter how many face or body lifts a person has, or how much a person attempts to keep in shape through proper exercise and diet, age causes fading of physical beauty. Unless you continue to see past the wrinkles around your beloved’s eyes and gaze into the full depths of your mate’s soul, you will feel less attracted to your spouse, and with a lessening of attraction, you are likely to express less romance.
Forgetfulness
Romance dies when couples forget the preciousness of their mates. Spouses all too often come to take each other for granted, and they lose sight of just how special they are to each other. Romance requires intention, care and focus. It requires that each person remembers why you feel in love in the first place.
Laziness
Many people recite vows to “love, honor and cherish” a spouse, and then they proceed with their marriage without a good knowledge of how to keep them. Love must be shown. Honor must be expressed. Cherish is an attitude that must be displayed. Passionate marriages are so by design and intent. Romance is a discipline.
So how do we keep the romance alive in our marriage?
Song of Solomon 7:11-12
“Come, my lover, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages. 12 Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom-- there I will give you my love.” (NIV)
1. Men are expected to be Romantic.
2. Men are capable of Romance.
3. God desires for men to be Romantic.
Remember guys, be Spontaneous and do the Unexpected
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
SPECTATOR SPORT
Did you realize that Christianity is not a spectator sport? If you call yourself a Christian, you are expected to be in the game doing your best. If you ever played a sport then you know that you must do your best or you could cause the team to lose. I was on the wrestling team in high school, the only way that the team could win was if more people on your team won their matches than the other team. Wrestling is a one on one sport, if you win you get the credit, if you lose, you get the blame. That is the way that Christianity is, while we are part of the Church, we must be ready to go one on one. When I look at our church, I see those who are in the trenches working for the Kingdom, and then I see those who seem not to care. If you expect Carey Baptist to still be around in 10, 15 or 20 years, then you need to decide to become more active in church. More active in church attendance, church ministries and church activities. If you are not sure how to do that, just watch our older saints in the church. Without them Carey Baptist would have closed the doors many years ago.
If this has offended you, ask yourself why. Could it be because you saw yourself in a way you didn’t like? Do something positive about it...see you in church!!
If this has offended you, ask yourself why. Could it be because you saw yourself in a way you didn’t like? Do something positive about it...see you in church!!
HEAVENLY REWARDS
As I watched the Presidential Inauguration last Tuesday, I had to wonder if President Bush, as he watched on, thought that the last 8 years went by fast or slow. You know the last 8 years have been hard on him, the way that the media has portrayed him, the things that he could have told to make himself look better, but couldn’t because of national security. And now we have a new president, the 44th, President Barak Obama. Love him or hate him, care or don’t care, he is our president and we must pray for him, pray that he will have wisdom and know how to use it, for what he does effects us. As I watched I saw the masses of people in attendance, there to see their hero being sworn in, or there to see the first black man sworn in, or there just to be able to say that they saw history being made. I always liked that phrase, “History being made.” Do you realize that everyday we see history being made, maybe not the history that will be written in the history books, but if we are alive we are seeing history being made everyday. If we are alive we are writing history everyday, every minute that passes becomes history, so you are writing history everyday, good or bad. Some say that Bush leaving the White House is the end of an era, some say the end of an error. Some say that Obama coming into office is the beginning of an era, some say that it is the beginning of an error. What will people say about you when you are gone? Will they say that the legacy you left was a good one, the end of an era, or that your life was one mistake after another, the end of an error. If we are like the Apostle Paul, and our goal in life is to tell as many people as we can about Jesus, and to see as many as we can come to a saving relationship with Christ, then at the end of our life not only will we receive rewards in Heaven, but we will leave a rich legacy here on earth.
Rick Warren prayed in Jesus name in front of the entire world, if we have the nerve to speak in Jesus name to our family, friends, co-workers and to people we don’t even know, we will have the heavenly rewards and leave a rich earthly legacy. Make it a habit this year.
Rick Warren prayed in Jesus name in front of the entire world, if we have the nerve to speak in Jesus name to our family, friends, co-workers and to people we don’t even know, we will have the heavenly rewards and leave a rich earthly legacy. Make it a habit this year.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
LOVE & MARRIAGE
Conflict Busting
(Tips for Building Bridges Rather Than Walls)
Every Married Couple has disagreements, how do we get past them when we do? Here are some tips, ideas and helps, see if it helps. Some think that you should only have a top 10, or 7 or better yet best 3, but sometimes we need more, here are 27 helpful hints for a happier marriage.
1. Get Started.
Someone said that getting started is half the job. This holds true more in solving conflict that any other endeavor. Let’s admit that it is hard to get started, but once the ice toward reconciliation is broken, it is downhill all the way from there. Sometimes just one gesture does the trick. Go ahead and swallow your pride, reach out and touch, extend a hand, give a hug, just make the first move and see what follows! Usually the loved one is just as anxious as you to put things to rest, but no one is willing to make the first move.
Don’t allow conflict to become a power struggle because power struggles don’t move relationships any where but downhill. Walls will begin to fall when we are willing to make the first move on the road to reconciliation.
2. Fantasize — Don’t Criticize.
Envision good things between you and your partner. Remember the good experiences of the past and understand that it can be that way again and soon. Try not to throw darts because darts only hurt and escalate our partner’s defenses. Being logical and reminding yourself and your partner what is happening lowers the tension level. Remember some wonderful experience you have had together and make that experience the subject of conversation. Even fantasize about some future happy experience together.
3. Reach Out and Touch.
Reach out and touch, so the phone company says. Great advice, especially when two people are experiencing conflict. Go ahead and do it literally! It’s really difficult to speak harshly to someone when we are touching them or they are touching us. Touching has a calming effect. Touching expresses love and care. Touching diminishes tension. Touching lowers the defense bar. Touching does work wonders when it comes to communicating feelings of love and desire for healing.
4. Lower Your Voice and Speak Slowly.
Typically, the raised voice and rapid speech are telltale signs that we are out of control — that super-heated emotion is taking over. In those frames of mind, we usually come across as angry, hostile, controlling, but not in charge even of ourselves and our own emotions. A cool, calm low voice sends the message that we are not only in control, but that we have something of significance to offer the stressful situation.
5. Open the Door.
You may open the door by saying what you wish to say in a positive and non-threatening way. Usually people hear us when we speak in this manner. We need to remember that put-downs, abuse, and badgering will close the heart of the one we are trying to reach more than anything else.
6. Be empathetic.
Try to understand your partner by putting yourself in their shoes. Make a serious attempt to see things from the other’s position rather than simply scoring points for yourself. Try to get inside your partner’s mind and heart and experience the issue from their perspective. Feel what they must be feeling.
7. Talk.
Yes, just allow yourself the privilege of talking. Sounds simple enough, but when there is conflict, talk, the one thing that can settle differences, is the last thing couples want to do. The temptation for one or both partners is to “clam up,” or “go inside the shell.” While it may feel good to go inside the shell and not have to talk, nothing is being resolved and, in fact, the silence is escalating the tension. Remember to use “I Statements” and not “You Statements.”
8. Take Turns.
When there are differences, they usually exist from both vantage points. No one is 100% right or 100% wrong. No one should have complete command of the conversation. This only deepens the wound and escalates the conflict. Give each other two minute episodes to say what is on the mind and in the heart. Use a stopwatch if necessary. Even the humor of this will break the ice.
9. Recognize the Problem.
Don’t try to ignore or minimize the problem. Recognize it. Get it on the floor of conversation. Both try to identify and analyze it. Both think of solutions. Try to be specific. Even write out what the problem is and what each thinks is the solution.
10. Change Locations.
Sometimes conflicts occur in certain settings and once the setting is changed, a new feeling may emerge. Couples may be captives while riding in a car or in a room or in a crowd. Getting away from that location may change the mood of one or both and break down resistance to an open flow of dialogue and mutual exchange of feelings. It is even wise to say, “Why don’t we go have a cup of coffee?” Making an appointment to talk allows both people to come to the talking table with a new calmness and expectation. New and intentional environments mean new feelings and new expectations.
11. Listen to the Heart.
Conflicts develop when feelings have been hurt or egos stepped on. Behind the spoken words are damaged hearts that stand in need of repair. Make a concerted effort not to listen to the words, but to get behind the words to the feelings that are being expressed. Just listening is in itself salve on the wound. Once your loved one has had the time to speak and be heard at the heart, their heart is already well on the way toward mending.
12. Push the Right Buttons.
Couples who have known each other for any amount of time know which buttons to push to make things better or to make them worse. There are sore and sensitive spots which grate on the nerves, spots that draw immediate reflexes and reactions, spots which raise the hackles. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know where these buttons are once we have known a person for a period of time. But pushing the hot buttons will not only raise the emotional temperature, it will further polarize the relationship. Just as everyone has hot buttons, they also have soft buttons, buttons that when touched have a calming and soothing effect on the one who is touched. Couples also know the soft buttons. Soft buttons are conflict busters for sure!
13. Say You Care.
Conflict arises when needs are not being met or when wants and desires are at cross-purposes. The underlying message is that the offending party “really doesn’t care.” One is not concerned about how the other feels. It’s “My way or the highway.” “He/she never considers what I would like to do.” “He and I never seem to be on the same page. He always gets his way!” The conclusion drawn from such statements is that the other doesn’t care. Conflict is moderated when there is affirmation that one is truly loved and cared for.
14. Never Draw a Line of Demarcation.
Drawing a line in the sand is the best way on earth to challenge another. Such lines set limits and draw boundaries, and once drawn, such perimeters are difficult to fracture. Demarcation lines are almost certain to be seen as challenges, and accepting challenges only escalates open verbal warfare. A spirit of openness and desire for communication will erase threats and destroy needs for perimeters.
15. Communicate Commitment.
Conflict may arise when one member of the partnership feels their position is threatened. The most basic of human needs is the need to be loved and the security that goes with the feeling that one is loved. When that security is threatened, gyrations of fear and uncertainty permeate the emotional system. Defenses come into play. The most basic need stands at risk. Conflict emerges. Even when differences are being expressed, and they can be without doing damage the relationship, care should be given to communicate commitment. Such language offers space to explore differences without fear of rejection or alienation.
16. Be Flexible.
Rigidity or inflexibility are the bugle boys for conflict. When a person is unwilling to bend, he/she is sending the message that it is more important to be right than to mend the brokenness felt in the relationship. Flexibility sends the right message that the one loved is far more important than any rigid position one might hold within oneself. Flexible people are viewed as problem solvers who think and act with sober judgment.
17. Look for Doors of Opportunity.
The resolution of conflict usually comes with baby steps rather than giant steps. Partners should look for the baby steps, the little nuances which are telltale that the guard is coming down and there is openness to reconciliation. A change of body language, a faint smile, an ever-so-slight alteration of demeanor, a pause in the exchange, subtle suggestions, are all signals that the doors of resolution and reconciliation are opening. Recognizing these baby steps seizes the moment and ultimately leads to the giant steps of resolution and renewal.
18. Know When to Say When.
If things are not going well, simply call a truce. Put it on a back burner for a while. Even under the best of circumstances and with the best of intentions, things may go south for a spell. Feelings are still raw and nerves frayed. If things are deteriorating and tempers flaring, it may be a good idea to admit that this is not the best time to try to resolve this. Just postpone it until later, but be sure there is a definite time set so that both parties know the conflict has been taken seriously and will be addressed when emotions are more settled.
19. Write Down the Concern.
If it’s important enough to cause conflict, it’s important enough to write down. Putting it on paper enables each partner to view the concern more clearly, but also elevates the importance of resolving the issue. Like diagramming a sentence or working a puzzle, getting it out where it can be seen enables each party to get a better view of the whole picture. Putting it on paper also sends up a red flag that this is definitely one of the hot buttons not to push. Once resolved, seldom do couples revisit such sites.
20. Say You Are Sorry.
Remember that famous quote from Love Story when the two young lovers had their first quarrel and an overture is made toward reconciliation. The never-to be-forgotten response is “Love means never having to say you are sorry.” While it sounds good in novels and movies, love means being able to say you are sorry and that you do, in fact, want to say it when there has been a breach in the relationship. If there is a balm in Gilead for healing the wounded soul, it is the desire to heal what’s broken through a reconciling heart. Dare to repair!!
21. Don’t Rewash Dirty Laundry.
Continuing to focus on issues of the past is usually counterproductive toward resolving conflict. It is important to hear concerns and seek to understand areas that are sensitive, but once they have been addressed, it is best to move on. Dirty laundry is just that: Dirty Laundry, and bringing past issues to the surface will add fuel to the fire and complicate the healing process. Lingering resentment is a sinister force in the arena of putting differences to rest. Couples sometimes need to agree that certain past subjects are simply off limits.
22. Forgiving Means Forgetting.
When someone has expressed remorse over an issue that caused a conflict, if conflict over the hurt is to be resolved, the injured party must have a forgiving spirit. What is past is past and cannot be redone. An overture for healing the conflict has been extended. Digging at “scabs” will only infect the wound. Once the concern is addressed and the concern is forgiven, it is best to bury it never to be exhumed again.
23. Be Optimistic!
A firm belief that conflict can be resolved is the launching pad for ultimate restoration. Believing the best about the love of one’s life and believing not only that one is loved by that person, but that the loved one also wants resolution will bring results. Pessimism toward resolving differences will only tailspin the healing process. No fissure in relationships is ever mended by believing it can’t be resolved. Believing the best brings best results.
24. Don’t Play the Blame Game.
Casting blame will only corner the one with whom one has the conflict. Humans are akin to other species: when cornered, most people tend to strike back. Rather than blaming the other, assuming some responsibility for the breach in the relationship will lower defenses and usually put the conflict on the road to resolution.
25. Express Gratitude.
The expression of appreciation for the one that is loved can be like magic in the healing process. Gratitude is positive. Gratitude focuses on the good qualities of the one who is loved. Gratitude is remembering the pleasant and not rehashing the offensive. Gratitude enhances rather than diminishes. While gratitude may be difficult when relationships are under stress, the presence of mind to include gratitude in the course of exchange will work wonders.
26. Be Willing to Give in.
Resistance to reconciliation will only prolong the conflict. If neither partner is willing to give in, there is no opportunity to pour oil on the troubled waters and the stand-off continues, sometimes with even deeper entrenchment. Reconciliation is not about winning and losing. It is about healing and mending what is broken. It is about reaching out to the one that is loved. It involves making oneself vulnerable. A willingness to give in will break the alienation barrier and set the relationship on the course of understanding.
27. Turn Your Scars into Stars.
The very source of hurt and conflict may prove to be the very place a relationship finds renewal and the capacity to grow again. By processing the conflict, understanding the hurt, reaching for reconciliation, and finding forgiveness and restitution, the downer may prove to be the upper, and an ailing relationship may be restored to health and wholeness where love, trust, and respect are freely given and freely received.
(Preparing Couples for Marriage written by Les. C. Wicker)
(Tips for Building Bridges Rather Than Walls)
Every Married Couple has disagreements, how do we get past them when we do? Here are some tips, ideas and helps, see if it helps. Some think that you should only have a top 10, or 7 or better yet best 3, but sometimes we need more, here are 27 helpful hints for a happier marriage.
1. Get Started.
Someone said that getting started is half the job. This holds true more in solving conflict that any other endeavor. Let’s admit that it is hard to get started, but once the ice toward reconciliation is broken, it is downhill all the way from there. Sometimes just one gesture does the trick. Go ahead and swallow your pride, reach out and touch, extend a hand, give a hug, just make the first move and see what follows! Usually the loved one is just as anxious as you to put things to rest, but no one is willing to make the first move.
Don’t allow conflict to become a power struggle because power struggles don’t move relationships any where but downhill. Walls will begin to fall when we are willing to make the first move on the road to reconciliation.
2. Fantasize — Don’t Criticize.
Envision good things between you and your partner. Remember the good experiences of the past and understand that it can be that way again and soon. Try not to throw darts because darts only hurt and escalate our partner’s defenses. Being logical and reminding yourself and your partner what is happening lowers the tension level. Remember some wonderful experience you have had together and make that experience the subject of conversation. Even fantasize about some future happy experience together.
3. Reach Out and Touch.
Reach out and touch, so the phone company says. Great advice, especially when two people are experiencing conflict. Go ahead and do it literally! It’s really difficult to speak harshly to someone when we are touching them or they are touching us. Touching has a calming effect. Touching expresses love and care. Touching diminishes tension. Touching lowers the defense bar. Touching does work wonders when it comes to communicating feelings of love and desire for healing.
4. Lower Your Voice and Speak Slowly.
Typically, the raised voice and rapid speech are telltale signs that we are out of control — that super-heated emotion is taking over. In those frames of mind, we usually come across as angry, hostile, controlling, but not in charge even of ourselves and our own emotions. A cool, calm low voice sends the message that we are not only in control, but that we have something of significance to offer the stressful situation.
5. Open the Door.
You may open the door by saying what you wish to say in a positive and non-threatening way. Usually people hear us when we speak in this manner. We need to remember that put-downs, abuse, and badgering will close the heart of the one we are trying to reach more than anything else.
6. Be empathetic.
Try to understand your partner by putting yourself in their shoes. Make a serious attempt to see things from the other’s position rather than simply scoring points for yourself. Try to get inside your partner’s mind and heart and experience the issue from their perspective. Feel what they must be feeling.
7. Talk.
Yes, just allow yourself the privilege of talking. Sounds simple enough, but when there is conflict, talk, the one thing that can settle differences, is the last thing couples want to do. The temptation for one or both partners is to “clam up,” or “go inside the shell.” While it may feel good to go inside the shell and not have to talk, nothing is being resolved and, in fact, the silence is escalating the tension. Remember to use “I Statements” and not “You Statements.”
8. Take Turns.
When there are differences, they usually exist from both vantage points. No one is 100% right or 100% wrong. No one should have complete command of the conversation. This only deepens the wound and escalates the conflict. Give each other two minute episodes to say what is on the mind and in the heart. Use a stopwatch if necessary. Even the humor of this will break the ice.
9. Recognize the Problem.
Don’t try to ignore or minimize the problem. Recognize it. Get it on the floor of conversation. Both try to identify and analyze it. Both think of solutions. Try to be specific. Even write out what the problem is and what each thinks is the solution.
10. Change Locations.
Sometimes conflicts occur in certain settings and once the setting is changed, a new feeling may emerge. Couples may be captives while riding in a car or in a room or in a crowd. Getting away from that location may change the mood of one or both and break down resistance to an open flow of dialogue and mutual exchange of feelings. It is even wise to say, “Why don’t we go have a cup of coffee?” Making an appointment to talk allows both people to come to the talking table with a new calmness and expectation. New and intentional environments mean new feelings and new expectations.
11. Listen to the Heart.
Conflicts develop when feelings have been hurt or egos stepped on. Behind the spoken words are damaged hearts that stand in need of repair. Make a concerted effort not to listen to the words, but to get behind the words to the feelings that are being expressed. Just listening is in itself salve on the wound. Once your loved one has had the time to speak and be heard at the heart, their heart is already well on the way toward mending.
12. Push the Right Buttons.
Couples who have known each other for any amount of time know which buttons to push to make things better or to make them worse. There are sore and sensitive spots which grate on the nerves, spots that draw immediate reflexes and reactions, spots which raise the hackles. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know where these buttons are once we have known a person for a period of time. But pushing the hot buttons will not only raise the emotional temperature, it will further polarize the relationship. Just as everyone has hot buttons, they also have soft buttons, buttons that when touched have a calming and soothing effect on the one who is touched. Couples also know the soft buttons. Soft buttons are conflict busters for sure!
13. Say You Care.
Conflict arises when needs are not being met or when wants and desires are at cross-purposes. The underlying message is that the offending party “really doesn’t care.” One is not concerned about how the other feels. It’s “My way or the highway.” “He/she never considers what I would like to do.” “He and I never seem to be on the same page. He always gets his way!” The conclusion drawn from such statements is that the other doesn’t care. Conflict is moderated when there is affirmation that one is truly loved and cared for.
14. Never Draw a Line of Demarcation.
Drawing a line in the sand is the best way on earth to challenge another. Such lines set limits and draw boundaries, and once drawn, such perimeters are difficult to fracture. Demarcation lines are almost certain to be seen as challenges, and accepting challenges only escalates open verbal warfare. A spirit of openness and desire for communication will erase threats and destroy needs for perimeters.
15. Communicate Commitment.
Conflict may arise when one member of the partnership feels their position is threatened. The most basic of human needs is the need to be loved and the security that goes with the feeling that one is loved. When that security is threatened, gyrations of fear and uncertainty permeate the emotional system. Defenses come into play. The most basic need stands at risk. Conflict emerges. Even when differences are being expressed, and they can be without doing damage the relationship, care should be given to communicate commitment. Such language offers space to explore differences without fear of rejection or alienation.
16. Be Flexible.
Rigidity or inflexibility are the bugle boys for conflict. When a person is unwilling to bend, he/she is sending the message that it is more important to be right than to mend the brokenness felt in the relationship. Flexibility sends the right message that the one loved is far more important than any rigid position one might hold within oneself. Flexible people are viewed as problem solvers who think and act with sober judgment.
17. Look for Doors of Opportunity.
The resolution of conflict usually comes with baby steps rather than giant steps. Partners should look for the baby steps, the little nuances which are telltale that the guard is coming down and there is openness to reconciliation. A change of body language, a faint smile, an ever-so-slight alteration of demeanor, a pause in the exchange, subtle suggestions, are all signals that the doors of resolution and reconciliation are opening. Recognizing these baby steps seizes the moment and ultimately leads to the giant steps of resolution and renewal.
18. Know When to Say When.
If things are not going well, simply call a truce. Put it on a back burner for a while. Even under the best of circumstances and with the best of intentions, things may go south for a spell. Feelings are still raw and nerves frayed. If things are deteriorating and tempers flaring, it may be a good idea to admit that this is not the best time to try to resolve this. Just postpone it until later, but be sure there is a definite time set so that both parties know the conflict has been taken seriously and will be addressed when emotions are more settled.
19. Write Down the Concern.
If it’s important enough to cause conflict, it’s important enough to write down. Putting it on paper enables each partner to view the concern more clearly, but also elevates the importance of resolving the issue. Like diagramming a sentence or working a puzzle, getting it out where it can be seen enables each party to get a better view of the whole picture. Putting it on paper also sends up a red flag that this is definitely one of the hot buttons not to push. Once resolved, seldom do couples revisit such sites.
20. Say You Are Sorry.
Remember that famous quote from Love Story when the two young lovers had their first quarrel and an overture is made toward reconciliation. The never-to be-forgotten response is “Love means never having to say you are sorry.” While it sounds good in novels and movies, love means being able to say you are sorry and that you do, in fact, want to say it when there has been a breach in the relationship. If there is a balm in Gilead for healing the wounded soul, it is the desire to heal what’s broken through a reconciling heart. Dare to repair!!
21. Don’t Rewash Dirty Laundry.
Continuing to focus on issues of the past is usually counterproductive toward resolving conflict. It is important to hear concerns and seek to understand areas that are sensitive, but once they have been addressed, it is best to move on. Dirty laundry is just that: Dirty Laundry, and bringing past issues to the surface will add fuel to the fire and complicate the healing process. Lingering resentment is a sinister force in the arena of putting differences to rest. Couples sometimes need to agree that certain past subjects are simply off limits.
22. Forgiving Means Forgetting.
When someone has expressed remorse over an issue that caused a conflict, if conflict over the hurt is to be resolved, the injured party must have a forgiving spirit. What is past is past and cannot be redone. An overture for healing the conflict has been extended. Digging at “scabs” will only infect the wound. Once the concern is addressed and the concern is forgiven, it is best to bury it never to be exhumed again.
23. Be Optimistic!
A firm belief that conflict can be resolved is the launching pad for ultimate restoration. Believing the best about the love of one’s life and believing not only that one is loved by that person, but that the loved one also wants resolution will bring results. Pessimism toward resolving differences will only tailspin the healing process. No fissure in relationships is ever mended by believing it can’t be resolved. Believing the best brings best results.
24. Don’t Play the Blame Game.
Casting blame will only corner the one with whom one has the conflict. Humans are akin to other species: when cornered, most people tend to strike back. Rather than blaming the other, assuming some responsibility for the breach in the relationship will lower defenses and usually put the conflict on the road to resolution.
25. Express Gratitude.
The expression of appreciation for the one that is loved can be like magic in the healing process. Gratitude is positive. Gratitude focuses on the good qualities of the one who is loved. Gratitude is remembering the pleasant and not rehashing the offensive. Gratitude enhances rather than diminishes. While gratitude may be difficult when relationships are under stress, the presence of mind to include gratitude in the course of exchange will work wonders.
26. Be Willing to Give in.
Resistance to reconciliation will only prolong the conflict. If neither partner is willing to give in, there is no opportunity to pour oil on the troubled waters and the stand-off continues, sometimes with even deeper entrenchment. Reconciliation is not about winning and losing. It is about healing and mending what is broken. It is about reaching out to the one that is loved. It involves making oneself vulnerable. A willingness to give in will break the alienation barrier and set the relationship on the course of understanding.
27. Turn Your Scars into Stars.
The very source of hurt and conflict may prove to be the very place a relationship finds renewal and the capacity to grow again. By processing the conflict, understanding the hurt, reaching for reconciliation, and finding forgiveness and restitution, the downer may prove to be the upper, and an ailing relationship may be restored to health and wholeness where love, trust, and respect are freely given and freely received.
(Preparing Couples for Marriage written by Les. C. Wicker)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
REACHING OUR GOALS
So how do we reach our goals?
Last year I said that we need to
1. Pray
2. Tell people About Jesus
3. Invite people to Church
4. Work for the Kingdom
This year;
1. We must choose, what we want for ourselves, and our church in 2009!
Do we want to remain as we are for the coming year, or do we want to improve? We must choose who we will serve. Now you may be sitting there saying, “Well I got saved, ain’t that good enough?” and I say to you, “NO it isn’t!” That is just step one, if that is the best that you can do then you are still slobbering milk and wearing diapers. You know Zoe is still drinking milk and wearing diapers and that’s ok because she is only 4 months old, Eisley is 14 months, she is eating real food in small bites and she is still wearing diapers which is ok because she will be out of those soon. But Mia at 3 years old, if she were still in diapers and drinking from a baby bottle it wouldn’t be so cute or ok. But you know one thing I know for sure; all three of my granddaughters have been learning since they were born, they are active and learning. What’s our excuse? Are we spiritually growing and learning? Maybe we aren’t because we think that we are good enough just the way we are, maybe we don’t think we have to; maybe we are too lazy or too stubborn. I want to take a look at Joshua 24:15.
“And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” (ESV)
Before you can choose what you want for yourself and for our church, we must know who we serve. What god do we serve? Do we serve the god of our own making, the god of this world, the god of possessions, or the God of all gods, the King of kings? We must choose who we will serve. When we can truly answer who we serve, then we can begin to move forward, but not until then.
2. Get Excited!
Romans 12:11-12
“Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (NIV)
Did you know that God wants us to be excited about Him? Remember in the book of Nehemiah, after the wall was finished and the Temple was cleansed, the people brought gifts, Ezra read the Word of God, the people confessed their sins and the people celebrated. They had choirs, and singers and they had gladness and thanksgiving and singing and cymbals and harps and the people were excited and made a new commitment to God and dedicated themselves to Him.
Remember the Prodigal son? His Jewish father ran to him when he saw him coming down the road, he was excited that his son was home. We need to get excited, we need to show EXCITEMENT!!!
3. Use our support system.
Our support system is our family and our church. Our support system is not those unbelieving people we work with who want to run down God and His church, our support system isn’t the ones who want to drag us down to their level. Our support system are the ones who want to build us up. We need each other!
1 Corinthians 12:24-27
“But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, 25 that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. 26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. 27 Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.” (ESV)
We are all a part of the body of Christ; we all need help once in a while. Now if you find yourself always being the one taking and never the one giving, you need to find out why.
4. Be Flexible!
“Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.”
Philippians 3:12-16
“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.” (ESV)
We need to learn to listen to other peoples ideas, if we have been upset with someone, we need to forget it and continue on.
5. Take small steps.
To make your goals more achievable, come up with small goals you know you can meet each day to keep yourself on track and feeling positive. Not everyone takes as big of steps as you do, sometimes we need to allow others to take smaller steps, and sometimes we need to encourage them, mentor them.
Titus 2:3-5
“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” (ESV)
We need to be teaching others, teaching them the way of God.
6. Work as a Team in building the Church!
We need to be working as a team in building up the church.
Psalms 122:1
“I rejoiced with those who said to me, "Let us go to the house of the LORD." (NIV)
Now I want to look at Nehemiah again.
Nehemiah 2:17-18
“Then I said to them, "You see the trouble we are in, how Jerusalem lies in ruins with its gates burned. Come, let us build the wall of Jerusalem, that we may no longer suffer derision." 18 And I told them of the hand of my God that had been upon me for good, and also of the words that the king had spoken to me. And they said, "Let us rise up and build." So they strengthened their hands for the good work.” (ESV)
The people had to rise up and build, the people had to decide to do it. It is time for us to rise up and build the church back. It is time that we decide what we want for our church in 2009, what do you want?
Last year I said that we need to
1. Pray
2. Tell people About Jesus
3. Invite people to Church
4. Work for the Kingdom
This year;
1. We must choose, what we want for ourselves, and our church in 2009!
Do we want to remain as we are for the coming year, or do we want to improve? We must choose who we will serve. Now you may be sitting there saying, “Well I got saved, ain’t that good enough?” and I say to you, “NO it isn’t!” That is just step one, if that is the best that you can do then you are still slobbering milk and wearing diapers. You know Zoe is still drinking milk and wearing diapers and that’s ok because she is only 4 months old, Eisley is 14 months, she is eating real food in small bites and she is still wearing diapers which is ok because she will be out of those soon. But Mia at 3 years old, if she were still in diapers and drinking from a baby bottle it wouldn’t be so cute or ok. But you know one thing I know for sure; all three of my granddaughters have been learning since they were born, they are active and learning. What’s our excuse? Are we spiritually growing and learning? Maybe we aren’t because we think that we are good enough just the way we are, maybe we don’t think we have to; maybe we are too lazy or too stubborn. I want to take a look at Joshua 24:15.
“And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” (ESV)
Before you can choose what you want for yourself and for our church, we must know who we serve. What god do we serve? Do we serve the god of our own making, the god of this world, the god of possessions, or the God of all gods, the King of kings? We must choose who we will serve. When we can truly answer who we serve, then we can begin to move forward, but not until then.
2. Get Excited!
Romans 12:11-12
“Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (NIV)
Did you know that God wants us to be excited about Him? Remember in the book of Nehemiah, after the wall was finished and the Temple was cleansed, the people brought gifts, Ezra read the Word of God, the people confessed their sins and the people celebrated. They had choirs, and singers and they had gladness and thanksgiving and singing and cymbals and harps and the people were excited and made a new commitment to God and dedicated themselves to Him.
Remember the Prodigal son? His Jewish father ran to him when he saw him coming down the road, he was excited that his son was home. We need to get excited, we need to show EXCITEMENT!!!
3. Use our support system.
Our support system is our family and our church. Our support system is not those unbelieving people we work with who want to run down God and His church, our support system isn’t the ones who want to drag us down to their level. Our support system are the ones who want to build us up. We need each other!
1 Corinthians 12:24-27
“But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, 25 that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. 26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. 27 Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.” (ESV)
We are all a part of the body of Christ; we all need help once in a while. Now if you find yourself always being the one taking and never the one giving, you need to find out why.
4. Be Flexible!
“Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.”
Philippians 3:12-16
“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.” (ESV)
We need to learn to listen to other peoples ideas, if we have been upset with someone, we need to forget it and continue on.
5. Take small steps.
To make your goals more achievable, come up with small goals you know you can meet each day to keep yourself on track and feeling positive. Not everyone takes as big of steps as you do, sometimes we need to allow others to take smaller steps, and sometimes we need to encourage them, mentor them.
Titus 2:3-5
“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” (ESV)
We need to be teaching others, teaching them the way of God.
6. Work as a Team in building the Church!
We need to be working as a team in building up the church.
Psalms 122:1
“I rejoiced with those who said to me, "Let us go to the house of the LORD." (NIV)
Now I want to look at Nehemiah again.
Nehemiah 2:17-18
“Then I said to them, "You see the trouble we are in, how Jerusalem lies in ruins with its gates burned. Come, let us build the wall of Jerusalem, that we may no longer suffer derision." 18 And I told them of the hand of my God that had been upon me for good, and also of the words that the king had spoken to me. And they said, "Let us rise up and build." So they strengthened their hands for the good work.” (ESV)
The people had to rise up and build, the people had to decide to do it. It is time for us to rise up and build the church back. It is time that we decide what we want for our church in 2009, what do you want?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
2009?
As 2008 came to a close, and 2009 kicked off, did you make any New Year’s resolutions? Did you promise yourself that you would do better in some areas of your life, or be a better person, or treat someone nicer or just try harder? What New Year’s resolutions have you made for the church and your church life? Are you satisfied with your commitment to Christ and church, are you satisfied with your level of commitment to the things of God, to the work of God? Now any of us who sit back and say that we are satisfied and we don’t think that we can improve, we need to take a long look at ourselves, including me. We can all improve the way we serve Christ, we can all improve on our commitment to His church and His work. That’s what I’m asking of myself this year, and that’s what I’m asking of you also. I am asking you to make a promise to the Lord and to yourself to be more committed to His work, His will, His Word and the church this year. I feel that we are on the threshold of something great this year here at Carey, I am not alone, others feel the same way. But it will take more than just me and a few others to make it happen, it will take you. I have heard people say, and I know that you have too, “If it’s God’s will, it will happen.” do you realize that this statement is always made by people who want to sound religious, they want to sound religious and not do anything. They think that by saying that they have done their part, what they are really saying is, “You can do it, but I’m not going to help.” then of course, you always have the “Whatever” crowd. These are the ones who sit and listen to what is being said, and then they say “Whatever.” They either say this to themselves or out loud, but what they are saying is, “You go right ahead, I’m not going to help either. Unless it begins to look really fun and easy, then I might show up.” I don’t need the religious crowd, I don’t need the “Whatever” crowd, and I don’t need the “I hope it works out for you” crowd. What I do need is you to become more involved and committed, I need you to bring people to church, friends, family, co-workers, even your enemies. I need for you to get excited like you have never been before.
What say you? Are you committed??
What say you? Are you committed??
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